The One Where I am Reborn

Nice Burka, eh?

Nice Burka, eh?

What if there were no tomorrow’s?  Shit, I’d be screwed.  I have so many things to do tomorrow like learning to paint, going camping ,eating right, lifting weights, reading ‘1984’ one more time, hanging out with Bellina, making love in the afternoon to my wife while it rains, watching Adam graduate, watching Anthony graduate, watching Autumn graduate, watching Ayden graduate.

I would be so out of luck if I ran out of tomorrow’s; I still have to hike Turtlehead peak, the Grand Canyon, the Subway in Zion, The Discovery Trail to remember one great month, Ice Box Trail to remember that I could do it and did it, and little old Calico Tanks to remember that once I was amazing and to remind me of my wedding day.

I hate to sound like stupid old Garth Brooks, but damn it I’d be pissed if Tomorrow never came.  I am waiting to take my first step in losing 200 pounds, graduating college, buy a house, travel to England, travel to San Francisco, travel to Vancouver, travel to Japan, to run my Ironman race, to go deer hunting with my family as a man, to make then drink then laugh at my first homemade craft beer, to buy my wife’s first photography book, to see her gallery opening, to fly in a helicopter, to ride a mechanical bull, to play in the WSOP, to skinny dip with Amanda, to eat fish tacos in Puerto Penasco, to own a VW Van.

I had a busy day planned but I wanted to wait until tomorrow.  I wonder if this last year my grandmother and grandfather had these thoughts.  No, they had lived and loved and went peacefully (I miss you so much).

That reminds me, tomorrow I have to call my kids to tell them I love them, call my mom and dad and tell them I love them, call Mimi and Mark and tell them I love them, call grandma and grandpa T and tell them I love them; so many calls to make tomorrow, maybe just a letter or a Facebook post of love for some of the rest because I am blessed with such a big loving family that I get to talk to real soon, after tomorrow.

But what happens if I do not have tomorrow, do I have time today to do all of that and to go BASE jumping, sailing in my own sailboat, fishing with my kids and their kids, go dancing with my wife, give my finger my company and start my own business, drink that awesome cup of coffee I roasted and brewed myself.

I can wait until tomorrow, but what if I couldn’t?  How would that feel, how empty of a shell would I be to know that I could have gotten well into my tomorrow’s to do list today, if I would have just stopped being too lazy, too interested in eating that cookie, too busy at work, too selfish.  What a shell I would be if that were true, right?

Well eff that, that sounds like dog shit.  I am not dead, I am a mad screaming Man of the world who, though down, has a vig of life left in his soul and I CAN and I WILL be possible again, not tomorrow, not next week, not next month, but right frigging now.  Right now I declare my own independence from my tired sorry assed attitude built on fear and self-loathing.  Today I grab hold of the hand being held out to me and I lift myself out of the muck. I M Possible, and I am Mike “Mr. Amazing” Hildebrand, damn glad to know you.

Donner, party of…Oh my

I have gone no where, fan.  Yes, delusional, I hold the hope that somewhere out there I have a blogfan just waiting for my next genius post.  I have not gone anywhere, but I have had the largest case of writers block, direction, etc. for a long time.  I do not want this to be a boring fitness goals blog only or a fiction blog only or my rants only, but I need to case it together into an entertaining circus of words here for your entertainment and salve for my soul.  I am working on that and actually have some ideas, don’t be surprised for  real post later this week.  Until then, I’m watching

I always feel like, somebody's watching me

I always feel like, somebody’s watching me

12/09/2013

I have been wanting to post, I even thought about creating a new blog – forgetting this one, my old friend, like I have so many other things before.  It is hard for me to let go.

I wanted to check in, in case I have any readers left.  I’d like to say I’ve lost all my weight, I’d like to blog some fiction, I’d like to blog that I am happy.

But words carry only so much weight.

I need action.

Now.

A Poetic Interlude to Get Started

I read a blog post today from someone that I admire and care for deeply.  It reminded me a little bit of who I am and where I came from and what I have lost within myself over the last 18 months.  Somewhere I had forgotten that I knew I was a rockstar and other people saw me the same; whether that was from being a kind man, a lover, a good father and listener, a great employee or an actual physical player of musical instrument.  I use to care for change, I use to care.

My change today was reignited by the word of my wife, who didn’t realize I read her post first thing this morning on Le Clown’s website, and she didn’t realize what she wrote was EXACTLY what I needed from her right now; I didn’t even know it at the time.

My wife is an amazing woman and she would not have been part of my life if my own life was pretty extraordinary in its own right.  Sure, I am not captain of an Antarctic cruiser, nor will I stand on top of Everest; but I can learn to swim and run and become an Ironman, I can listen more and play with the kids, I can do more dishes and stop making the kitchen a laundry – These small pieces of dignity are amazing.

These are the small wins, life throws them at you every fucking moment and we are too busy to see or feel them.  I feel today I have been given a second chance.  Maybe I had one years ago, but today, my wife reached me without trying and squeezed my hand and my heart and said, I love you and I stand by you.

I dedicate the man I am, the man I am becoming and the man I have been to you Amanda, thanks for reminding me of these words:

 Climbing up on Solsbury Hill
I could see the city light
Wind was blowing, time stood still
Eagle flew out of the night
He was something to observe
Came in close, I heard a voice
Standing stretching every nerve
Had to listen had no choice
I did not believe the information
I just had to trust imagination
My heart going boom boom boom
“Son,” he said “Grab your things,
I’ve come to take you home.”

To keep in silence I resigned
My friends would think I was a nut
Turning water into wine
Open doors would soon be shut
So I went from day to day
Tho’ my life was in a rut
“Till I thought of what I’d say
Which connection I should cut
I was feeling part of the scenery
I walked right out of the machinery
My heart going boom boom boom
“Hey” he said “Grab your things
I’ve come to take you home.”
(Back home.)

When illusion spin her net
I’m never where I want to be
And liberty she pirouette
When I think that I am free
Watched by empty silhouettes
Who close their eyes but still can see
No one taught them etiquette
I will show another me
Today I don’t need a replacement
I’ll tell them what the smile on my face meant
My heart going boom boom boom
“Hey” I said “You can keep my things,
They’ve come to take me home.”

 –          P. Gabriel, Solsbury Hill

The Natural World, Daily Prompt – Gate Buttress, UT

Inspired by today’s Daily Prompt:  Nature, I reminisce Growing up in Salt Lake City, UT, I was surrounded by so many outdoor natural adventures that as a child, I didn’t even realize were there.  My folks are indoor, watch TV, “don’t you dare try that” kind of people.  As predictable as the meat and potato dinner we would have almost every other night, except for pork chop night on Thursday.

This picture doesn't do it justice, but this is the east side of the Buttress

This picture doesn’t do it justice, but this is the east side of the Gate Buttress

When I hit my teen years, I began exploring the mountains with my friends Steve and David.  There is a canyon not far from our house called Little Cottonwood Canyon; it is known for world-class skiing at Alta and Snowbird ski resorts, but we were drawn to a little place called Gate Buttress which 20-25 years ago when we found it was a secret world to us.  We discovered huge boulders to climb on or over, trails leading to caves leading to massive granite cliffs.

We would come both in the summer when the heat was pretty bad in the valley and in the winter when there was six feet of snow on the ground to hamper us, but always we would fund our way up to the cliffs and traverse and hike and play.  It was wonderful.  What made this place groovy was that this is where I discovered rock climbing.  We had always seen odd men and women with dreadlocks and smelling funny hiking past us on the trail with ropes and packs and shoes that looked like ballet slippers but we had no idea.

My friend Steve and I found an old rope once while we were up there, frayed, old and weathered; probably measured twenty-five feet or less.  It was used on part of the trail to skirt a cave/crawl and you could hand over hand the rope over a boulder face of fifteen feet.  We both decided we wanted to rock climb and with the fervor of youth bought two army web belts, hiking boots and proceeded to cut the nasty rope.

Schoolroom, my first proto climb EVER

Schoolroom, my first proto climb EVER

We hiked to the cliffs full of ourselves and proceeded up one of the first cliff faces we found.  Steve, always the more gung-ho back then, Snapped the web belt around his waist and tied an overhand square knot around the cheap plastic buckle.  I did the same thing.  Seriously, this is what the other climbers were doing, right?  He began his climb and I felt that something was wrong, that there was something more I should be doing to protect in case he fell.  But he didn’t, he climbed as high as the rope let him, and I began.  More slowly than Steve, I caught up to him and there we were; both on the cliff face about 30 feet up not knowing anything.

Needless to say, we climbed another twenty feet before we realized something was wrong, we became terrified or the powers that be just put some good sense into us and we realized we were in way over our head.  We slowly and meticulously made our way back down the cliff, trembling hands and hearts.  When we were gathered back into our senses, we noticed a pack and a book nearby, I looked at the book and it was a climbing book called “Wasatch Climbing North”, I told Steve we needed that book to learn and find other places; he agreed we should buy it, but for once, I was the more aggressive and decided the boys who this belonged to were probably one hundred feet or more up on the cliff, and would never catch us, so yes, I stole the book.

We eventually learned how to safely climb, buying the right gear and learning technique inside and outside.  I climbed for ten more years until life settled me into a routine that had no time for nature as much, and it breaks my heart.  Currently the Church of Ladder Day Saints owns the mining rights to this buttress and it has not been the same.  I don’t know if I will ever get to share this magical place with my kids.  I have to lose some weight and oil off some rust before I climb again, but just the majesty of this grove, trials and cliff system amaze me to this day.  I found God as a young man in the changing colors of the trees, and friends on the trail.  It is a bond surely felt and discovered by those that have known its magical pull.

Now is Not the Time to Give Up

Dear Mike,

So, you’ve had a bad week.  Everyone at work thinks you are a joke and you are getting tired of fighting the battles.  You are tired of being broke, sad and ignored.  You want to give up and those around you are telling you, don’t look how far you have to go, look how far you’ve come.  And it sounds a lot easier than it is.

You want to visualize yourself 180, 150, 100, 50, 20 hell 10 pounds lighter but all you see is that fat guy that just ate  Roberto’s even though you promised yourself you wouldn’t.  You want to quit.

You want to give up, again.  You can get a doughnut and a coke now that you have given up.   you don’t want to go to the gym anymore.  Right?

Wrong; listen up cupcake.  Everyone has bad days and their own shit they are going through.  Even at home, maybe you aren’t hearing what is going on in your wife or kids worlds cause you are too busy bitching about your own.  Be grateful you have a wife and kids and friends that give advice, cause it is a lot harder without someone to love on you.

You ate a bad meal, so what.  Look, statistics prove that one cheat meal is not going to ruin you, YOU ARE NOT ON A DIET, you are making better lifestyle choices all around and working toward living your goal.  Sure, you’ve got a long road, and you are barely starting.  Sure your clothes piss you off cause they don’t fit, but look, you know what to do, and think about it.  Nobody EVER said living right was easy.  In fact mostly they say the opposite.

Do you want this given to you, or do you want to pay the dues in sweat equity?  I am on the same road, and sadly this ain’t my first trip but I know for certain, every rep, every minute, every drop of sweat, every right over wrong thing in your body, every ounce of pain, every bit of effort you put into it is worth it.  Yes, it frakking sucks, but in the end, damn, it is worth it.

Get to the gym, sweat out Roberto’s and you will forget this week at work when the endorphins kick in.  Namaste.

The One Where I Won (14b / 365 )

Oooooh, lucky reader, you get what we call a twofer today.  Happy Hump Day.  Here is the special occasion:

I probably should at least TRY to come my hair from, time to time

I probably should at least TRY to comb my hair from, time to time

I follow Rebekah on her continuing fitness journey and fellowship with her community of folks already at or still working toward reaching their goal(s) over at TheHeavyWeightRunner.Com and she recently had a giveaway for a Polar FT4 heart rate monitor.  ironically and she did not know this, I had been really thinking about purchasing one to provide my workout and training toward triathlon the boost and accuracy I needed.  So this was wonderfully timed and SOOOOOOOO appreciated.  Thanks Rebekah.

For my 5 readers, please, take a few moments and take a look at her blog then LIKE her on Facebook at this link, it is an amazing community and wonderful input, tips, and posts daily from Rebekah and other community members.

Namaste