A Poetic Interlude to Get Started

I read a blog post today from someone that I admire and care for deeply.  It reminded me a little bit of who I am and where I came from and what I have lost within myself over the last 18 months.  Somewhere I had forgotten that I knew I was a rockstar and other people saw me the same; whether that was from being a kind man, a lover, a good father and listener, a great employee or an actual physical player of musical instrument.  I use to care for change, I use to care.

My change today was reignited by the word of my wife, who didn’t realize I read her post first thing this morning on Le Clown’s website, and she didn’t realize what she wrote was EXACTLY what I needed from her right now; I didn’t even know it at the time.

My wife is an amazing woman and she would not have been part of my life if my own life was pretty extraordinary in its own right.  Sure, I am not captain of an Antarctic cruiser, nor will I stand on top of Everest; but I can learn to swim and run and become an Ironman, I can listen more and play with the kids, I can do more dishes and stop making the kitchen a laundry – These small pieces of dignity are amazing.

These are the small wins, life throws them at you every fucking moment and we are too busy to see or feel them.  I feel today I have been given a second chance.  Maybe I had one years ago, but today, my wife reached me without trying and squeezed my hand and my heart and said, I love you and I stand by you.

I dedicate the man I am, the man I am becoming and the man I have been to you Amanda, thanks for reminding me of these words:

 Climbing up on Solsbury Hill
I could see the city light
Wind was blowing, time stood still
Eagle flew out of the night
He was something to observe
Came in close, I heard a voice
Standing stretching every nerve
Had to listen had no choice
I did not believe the information
I just had to trust imagination
My heart going boom boom boom
“Son,” he said “Grab your things,
I’ve come to take you home.”

To keep in silence I resigned
My friends would think I was a nut
Turning water into wine
Open doors would soon be shut
So I went from day to day
Tho’ my life was in a rut
“Till I thought of what I’d say
Which connection I should cut
I was feeling part of the scenery
I walked right out of the machinery
My heart going boom boom boom
“Hey” he said “Grab your things
I’ve come to take you home.”
(Back home.)

When illusion spin her net
I’m never where I want to be
And liberty she pirouette
When I think that I am free
Watched by empty silhouettes
Who close their eyes but still can see
No one taught them etiquette
I will show another me
Today I don’t need a replacement
I’ll tell them what the smile on my face meant
My heart going boom boom boom
“Hey” I said “You can keep my things,
They’ve come to take me home.”

 –          P. Gabriel, Solsbury Hill

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The One Where I am Loving (34 / 35)

Pardon me sir, is that a doodie on your upper lip?

Pardon me sir, is that a doodie on your upper lip?

The woman in this picture is my wife, I have had two before her, but she is the one.  Today is her birthday, so we will not mention the other two again.  In its strictest measure this picture is still a perfect part of my Weightloss 365 project.

This has been and always will be one of my favorite photos of us.  We had known each other for about 2 months and it was shortly after this when I knew I was in love with her, and four months later I would very nearly lose her except I was crafty enough to get her over to my house one last time and touch her face.  It made her cry and we decided we were not over.

About ten months after this picture, I ask her to marry me.  Ten months and a week after this picture, we found out we would be welcoming a gummy into the house.  And it was thirteen months and three days later that I would marry her.

This picture captures us as we want to be, full of mirth, activity and fun.  Sure we have a baby – but we have weathered the first year and now she can be baby sat.  This captured the fun we had at Insurgo Theater which has unfortunately folded with most of the troupe going into the wind or players at Cockroach Theater.

We read about a group of folks who took pictures of themselves at various places with mustaches on sticks, we still have the mustaches.  Perhaps we should pull them out again soon.

Amanda has seen me on my way down in weight, meeting me when I was about 310 pounds all the way down to the runner at 245 pounds and now unfortunately, at my worst, back up to 355 pounds.  That is twenty-five pounds from where I started this nastiness seven months before this picture was taken.

I am looking at her now, on her thirty-fourth  twenty-ninth birthday by the glow of computer light, with our baby between us as we post blogs.  Together separately, she smiles at me from time to time and mouths “I love you” and my heart skips a beat – she is my best friend, my wife, my lover, mother of my children both biological and by marriage.  She has her own goals and dreams and aspirations but has always been and still is my biggest cheerleader.  I do not even have the words to convey how much she inspires in me the desire to be damn near perfect, because she has never asked me to be.

I love her more today than I did two months after this picture was taken, I will love her more even tomorrow.  And even more later.  My biggest goal for this year, if I can give back to her anything is on December fourth of this year, is to be lighter than the man in this picture, with the spark back in my eye and pulling her along on some stupid adventure, with the mustaches,

Happy birthday my love.

Namaste