Changes

Life is and always has been about choices and the impact they make on us. It’ like they say, if a cow farts in Iowa, an angel burns in Japan. Or something like that, I CHOSE not to remember. I am struggling in my professional life. I am being put out to pasture and I can feel it, for someone like me who is a triple-A personality, this bugs the living shit out of me. I hate feeling useless, lifeless, used up and patronized. I would rather be fired than strung along. How it is my fault that we lost the respect we did baffles my mind. I received little to no leadership from above when I specifically asked for it and was hung out like a whipping boy, possibly intended. I was made to do it to another, and I missed it when it came for me. I see my previous friends being made to beg borrow and steal to be where I was; so now I am being kept busy. Put out to pasture.   No clout, like it is my first day on the job. I can totally feel my throat closing and my blood pressure rising right now, awesome.

Personally, I am not in a position to start my own business, so I am limited to my choices. I see that I have exactly two choices. Quit and go back to Utah, which sounds effing fantastic. But I’d still need to find a job, and I really do not want to start over. Or two, become a fucking rock star again. You tell me I need to lose 200 pounds to fit in? Eff you, I will lose 205. You tell me to wear a tie from time to time? Eff you, every day. Under commit, over deliver. Sit-down, shut up and yes sir, 24/7. Welcome the new Mikey H. Stabber of backs, builder of fiefdoms. Uber wizard of data.

I have been played as a pawn under the fiefdom here, well, they haven’t taken me and when I get to the other side of the board, and I can be a queen. A HUGE raging thunder queen! Wait, wait. That is not sounding the way I want it. I can be a KNIGHT, with QUEEN powers, YES! Super knight. Super knight travels the board in pentacle patterns, or “A” patterns or whatever shitty pattern Super Knight feels like. Super knight will master his self-discipline, not be tardy, not call in – will sit through meetings and learn and learn and learn, and when he is ready, pounce!

Super Knight will invest with fervor into his fully vested 401 k plan so that when and if the day comes that his fiefdom is sacked, he will be left laughing, hauling his bag of gold to some kind of IRA or Roth plan or invest in his own business… Bwahahahaha.

Super Knight will shave every mother freaking day of the week. You want his face smooth as a baby’s but you sick weirdo? You got it, go on, touch it, feel the smoothness. Gross, you freak, I was making allegory.

I will be the quintessential first man in last man out daily; projects will be overrun by Super Knight. VP’s will want him, AVP’s will want to be him and the day will come, when the fiefdom smiles down on Super Knight and says, “Today is your day Super Knight, we are promoting you to AVP”, and Super Knight will look up from his data, and yell “NEVERMORE” and thrust his keyboard into the heart of the beast and the land will be free.

And then Super Knight, avenged of Mike, will go home, pack his things and trek back to Utah with his family in tow, singing praises of his name.

Yeah, I think that is exactly how it will go.

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Donner, party of…Oh my

I have gone no where, fan.  Yes, delusional, I hold the hope that somewhere out there I have a blogfan just waiting for my next genius post.  I have not gone anywhere, but I have had the largest case of writers block, direction, etc. for a long time.  I do not want this to be a boring fitness goals blog only or a fiction blog only or my rants only, but I need to case it together into an entertaining circus of words here for your entertainment and salve for my soul.  I am working on that and actually have some ideas, don’t be surprised for  real post later this week.  Until then, I’m watching

I always feel like, somebody's watching me

I always feel like, somebody’s watching me

A Poetic Interlude to Get Started

I read a blog post today from someone that I admire and care for deeply.  It reminded me a little bit of who I am and where I came from and what I have lost within myself over the last 18 months.  Somewhere I had forgotten that I knew I was a rockstar and other people saw me the same; whether that was from being a kind man, a lover, a good father and listener, a great employee or an actual physical player of musical instrument.  I use to care for change, I use to care.

My change today was reignited by the word of my wife, who didn’t realize I read her post first thing this morning on Le Clown’s website, and she didn’t realize what she wrote was EXACTLY what I needed from her right now; I didn’t even know it at the time.

My wife is an amazing woman and she would not have been part of my life if my own life was pretty extraordinary in its own right.  Sure, I am not captain of an Antarctic cruiser, nor will I stand on top of Everest; but I can learn to swim and run and become an Ironman, I can listen more and play with the kids, I can do more dishes and stop making the kitchen a laundry – These small pieces of dignity are amazing.

These are the small wins, life throws them at you every fucking moment and we are too busy to see or feel them.  I feel today I have been given a second chance.  Maybe I had one years ago, but today, my wife reached me without trying and squeezed my hand and my heart and said, I love you and I stand by you.

I dedicate the man I am, the man I am becoming and the man I have been to you Amanda, thanks for reminding me of these words:

 Climbing up on Solsbury Hill
I could see the city light
Wind was blowing, time stood still
Eagle flew out of the night
He was something to observe
Came in close, I heard a voice
Standing stretching every nerve
Had to listen had no choice
I did not believe the information
I just had to trust imagination
My heart going boom boom boom
“Son,” he said “Grab your things,
I’ve come to take you home.”

To keep in silence I resigned
My friends would think I was a nut
Turning water into wine
Open doors would soon be shut
So I went from day to day
Tho’ my life was in a rut
“Till I thought of what I’d say
Which connection I should cut
I was feeling part of the scenery
I walked right out of the machinery
My heart going boom boom boom
“Hey” he said “Grab your things
I’ve come to take you home.”
(Back home.)

When illusion spin her net
I’m never where I want to be
And liberty she pirouette
When I think that I am free
Watched by empty silhouettes
Who close their eyes but still can see
No one taught them etiquette
I will show another me
Today I don’t need a replacement
I’ll tell them what the smile on my face meant
My heart going boom boom boom
“Hey” I said “You can keep my things,
They’ve come to take me home.”

 –          P. Gabriel, Solsbury Hill

The One where I am on Buffering (55 / 365)

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Sometimes I don’t know if I can do this, sometimes I think I talk a lot.  Sometimes I feel as if I do not have a lot to say or there is no intrinsic value in my words.  But there is value in words, just not words without conviction or action.  You my friends, have been reading words without action and now it is time to do something about that.

Remember when we wer kids and there were cliff hangers over the summer?  who shot JR?  Shit we won’t know for two months.  Well, it is in that spirit that I am buffering amd will be off air for 60 days.

Can Mike lose 40 pounds naturally in 60 Days?
Will he ever ride a bike again?
Will he stop whining about worK

We will see, I will see you at 115 / 365

The One Where I am Listening (49 / 365)

Seriously, we are talking about SkyRim?  Again?

Seriously, we are talking about SkyRim? Again?

My son, the 15 year old, loves to jibba jabba, especially about video, board and Youtube games.  You could leave him talking, walk into the bathroom and he would politely wait until you came out and pick up where he left off.

One thing I noticed about this pic is that I am holding my wedding band.  This is a habit I have picked up when I am listening or thinking deeply.  Why is it off my hand you ask?  Well, I had gone from 245 to 277 by our wedding and now am hovering around 360.  I do not want the ring to get cut off my hand, so I wear it around my neck.

One of the things I hate bout this is that if I get into a hurry taking my shirt off (you should know by now I love to be shirtless), I  catch the ring and do not realize it.  I m not good t keeping promises, so the ring is my reminder of the major promises i made Amanda on our wedding day and how important they are to me; she has taken me for worse, now my commitment is for her to love me for better.

Cant wait to have the ring back on my finger.

Namaste.

The One Chilling at the Pool (48 / 365)

image

What's that? Over there? Looking for a song....

Hanging at the pool with 40% of my kids, I’m in my mind and out of it.  The bells of the church are ringing, letting the faithful know its Jesus time.

My leg hurts, but I’m finding that to be just another excuse in my golf bag O’ tricks.

I have an idea stinging my head, more on that later.  It’s for Saturday.

For tonight I’m finding joy in the swimming of my life, the yells of lesser kids and the splashing of the water around me.

Namaste

The One Where I Know my Role (47 / 365)

$3.00 Bill Y'all

$3.00 Bill Y’all

Yo, yo, yo peeps.  MC MadDisaster here in the scene looking to be seen…

OK, that is just dumb.  I was having a conversation with someone online today and it revolved around why we were part of this “support” group on FB.   I had mentioned the negativity we all began our posts off with, including myself, like:

“I’ve only lost 1 pound this week”
“I totally failed this week”
“….Do better next week”

What I and these other folks were missing was that there was a lot of positives as well, the person that lost “ONLY” a pound should share how she did it with the person that gained a pound.  The individual that filed should see it not as failure, but a lesson, you tried this way and it didn’t work so try this.  Or probably more close, I didn’t try at all.  And finally my favorite, I will do better next time or start tomorrow or how about NEVER?

I stressed to my friends that negativity is how I go to where I am today and I will only be celebrating the positive from THIS moment on.  It will take a lot of work, as I am a natural cynic, but I am going to really find the lesson in all things, listen more and try to be positive.  Otherwise I will be as silly as a one dollar bill in a mad wad of Monopoly money.

Namaste.