This angle really brings out the grey
One of the first things I notice is that when I shoot with my wife’s more professional camera with her new 50mm fixed lens, she gets kind of antsy as if I am going to break it. pshaw. Second, I come in a lot more in focus.
A lot more in focus, great metaphor for today. I am feeling very upside down like this picture implies and I am having a hard time communicating this to anyone, especially my wife, I am coming off like a whiny li’l bitch. I am not a great orator anyway, and when I am trying to talk about the lack of clarity or issues circling my brain, I stammer, I go emotions and I do not get it out.
Basically though, what I think I am trying to tell everyone is that right now I feel out of focus and I need to get the picture sharper. Working out will definitely help, but I have some major blurred shots in my career and living. I am going to need some time to focus through that and answer some very tough questions (Is C1B as dedicated to me as I to it, and if not, what do I do? Do I want to stay in Las Vegas and is my wife committed or is it lip service?)
So please, if you read this and know me in my day-to-day, I am just seeking clarity, like everyone else and not trying to be a douche.
WHAT IN YOUR LIFE IS CAUSING ANXIETY, STRESS OR CONFUSION AND HOW DO YOU COPE?
Sometimes, only sometimes, not giving a shit is easier. I have watched my three oldest boys who are all very smart, coast through high school and middle school with C’s and B’s when they are more than capable of coasting with B’s and A’s. Every now and then an F rears its ugly head and we try to yell, and we try to punish, and we try positive reinforcement and hell we’ve tried bribery. But it comes down to the same thing EVERY time.
They just don’t give a shit. Apathy. I think we should solicit good old Mr. Webster to change the definition of Apathy to this:
ap·a·thy noun \ˈa-pə-thē\
Definition of APATHY
To not be surprised if a fucking asteroid crashed into your house right goddamn now: impassiveness
2: Not a single shit given : indifference
Examples of APATHY
- People have shown surprising apathy toward these important social problems.
That is all said and good when you are a kid, but when that is the only emotion you can fake at work, it makes it a miserable son of a bitch to trudge into every day. How much easier would my job be if I did not give two fucks about it? Damn, I could hand in reports, my boss DG could say, “Look at all these errors”, and I could reply, “Yes, ain’t that a bitch” and saunter off to my 3′ x 3′ cubicle that my 5 years have earned, to whistle Dixie out of my ass for 8 hours.
Problem is, I own my career. I do care. I care more than I should about working for the man because frankly the man has an apathetic view toward me. It is increasingly difficult to fake not caring in that environment where passion is interpreted as heat miser and every senior level employee rides you like a mule to their own agenda.
It is sad, because I care about being an AVP, I care about my employees, hell – I care if my boss looks good or not and when I make a mistake, my first thought is that I hope this doesn’t make it hard for DG or JS; but..I digress. A corporation, though it tries, is not your family. We are but cogs in the machine and when the HNIC tells you to make the widgets blue today, you say “Yeeessah, how many dem widgets you neeeeeds?” and the next day when he tells you to make them all yellow, you don’t say, “Wait. What the fuck? Why?” you say, “Yeeessah, how many dem widgets you neeeeeds?” and whistle zippity doo dah out of your own ass while repainting the widgets.
Why? because some day my caring will be seen. Some day, I won’t need to pretend not to care. someday, apparently after shaving every day and losing 180 pounds, I will make 6% more a year and have a title of AVP and do EXACTLY
On a lighter note, struggled through breathing, still got a cold, but tore up the cycle at 24hour fitness -wigwam. Hells yes. So for now, my rant is done and I leave you with my pic of the day and say, Namaste.
Mike at work, giving a single fuck, and trying not to (Hair by Peter Gabriel circa Digging in the Dirt era)