Children Hear Things

Let’s be honest, I do not have that many faults.  One or two, maybe, but the biggest is that the interlocker that stops my mouth from engaging before my brain begins, fails me so much.  Sometimes, to comedy relief, like when I tell people that a good night ALWAYS ends with an opium den.  But sometimes my mouth goes horribly off the reservation.

I have 4 very intelligent, charming and loving kids and one demon baby – who have heard all they want to hear about the following:

Ass Rape, Bent by Beckham, pornstache, upper-decker, graping, rape in general, killing, taking fingers as a form of punishment, gay Jesus,  Gay Elmo, Pimp Elmo, Pimping ain’t easy, wanking, dirty sanchez, salad tossing, tranny’s…

Well, you get the idea.  Did i mention my kids range from 20 to 1 and I believe I have influenced most of their own creative decisions in one way or another.  Take for example this cheery sentiment from my Son’s Facebook page.  I swear, i could have written this:

OK, the CAT meme was Amanda's idea, but the text is straight from AJ.

OK, the CAT meme was Amanda’s idea, but the text is straight from AJ

This leads me to believe that my kids are listening to me way more than i realize, and even though I revel in the joy of teen and pre-teen faces lighting up at my off-color jokes, I probably should chill.  I present to you now, uncut and in its rough form, the story I found on the Laptop as I came on to scan Facebook or MSN.  I am the Mike in this story I believe, and the author is a ten-year old Emo girl named Autumn.  This could have gone way bad, like, counseling sessions bad – but it still shows i need to draw the line.  Enjoy, and enjoy your weekend:

I leave it in tact, exactly as she wrote it

I leave it in tact, exactly as she wrote it

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Friday Night Date Night – Married Style

Picture it with me if you will; nine-hundred and fifty square feet if it is an inch, of condo. Three bedrooms, two baths. Children: A grown ass man-teen, an emo tween daughter and the connoisseur of co-sleeping, little princess. Throw in two adults and you can see that my wife and I value our private time. So we have a newly established ritual.

Friday afternoon, sometime around four PM, we lose little-man to either the X-Box or to his friend Ira and most weeks there is Girl Scouts, so Emo-girl goes to scouts (after complaining about it for an hour, and then later referring to her friends there as her BFF’s). So this gives Amanda, Little Princess and I about one and one-half hour to find something to do. A few weeks ago, we realized, the gym (24 Hour Fitness on Wigwam) takes children in care until 8:00 PM. Perfect, and thus Date Night Friday Night Gym night was born. Perfect, almost. Generally her majesty only gives us about thirty to forty minutes to work out, so we have become super efficient.

Last night was a little different. Somehow and in a plot similar to the Manchurian Candidate, Emo-girl recently conned talked Mimi and Mark into taking her and brother to Circus Circus. How she pulled it off, nobody will ever know. Mimi and Mark are my mother and father-in-law, so even though sometimes I would gladly let Emo-girl go with a stranger, they were in good hands. So now we had a whole night to the three of us, which means by little princess count, we were one heavy. But I digress…

So to the gym we went! If you have never worked out with someone, you should try; also, if that other person is a significant other (brother, mother, Jesus or wife for example), it is amazing. We keep it real by only going to the gym together once or twice a week – and we really only work out together on Friday night. Again we value or solitude and this allows us to still be alone, together. We got in a great lower body workout, and little princess was still OK in day care, so Amanda threw down some additional cardio while I kicked it in the dry sauna. Yep, 120 degrees outside my condo is something to bitch about, but 120 degrees in a five by five wooden room with sweaty fat men? A reward.

After the gym, sweaty gross and starving; I mean I could literally eat the ass end of a cow at this point, we thought about our dinner options…

<Interlude> Tara Costa from the Biggest Loser posted on FB the other day, “You cannot train through poor nutrition”. That hit me like bricks. I have been cheating nutritionally and I am able to compensate in the gym. This is another blog post coming some day, but it is relevant to what is about to happen, NOW

 

Co-Sleeper, Joy Division fan and angry baby turned one 5/17

Co-Sleeper, Joy Division fan and angry baby turned one 5/17

… And decided that we would go to Island Sushi for all you can eat sushi for $26.95. I mean, it was little princess birthday and all. Island Sushi is amazing, it is a little of the 808 in the 702. We have been going here for about eighteen months and they have always been so welcoming and good to us. The food is fantastic, the servers are nice and I recommend island to anyone looking for a great deal for AYCE Sushi in Vegas (how awesome would it be for an AYE sushi place to sponsor a blog whose main theme is weight-loss and triathlon. Awesome balls, and nudge nudge to Island Sushi – I am looking your way for a giveaway).

So that was Friday night Date night and little princess first birthday. I have had some mixed emotions about myself this week but have learned a lot. I can suffice it to say, Damn, it is hard to be 40 and still a man child finding himself. So much I want to do, so little will power right now to do it. But, like I said, I learned a lot about me, Amanda, my communication, my sense of humor and my desire this week. So, since I ate like a starving prisoner last night, I close with breakfast this morning Much love, mahalo for stopping by.

Scarmbled Egg with siracha, Toast (unbuttered) and freshly ground Peruvian blend coffee (thanks Bellina!)

Scrambled Egg with Siracha, Toast (un-buttered), four strawberries and freshly ground Peruvian blend coffee (thanks Bellina!)