A Poetic Interlude to Get Started

I read a blog post today from someone that I admire and care for deeply.  It reminded me a little bit of who I am and where I came from and what I have lost within myself over the last 18 months.  Somewhere I had forgotten that I knew I was a rockstar and other people saw me the same; whether that was from being a kind man, a lover, a good father and listener, a great employee or an actual physical player of musical instrument.  I use to care for change, I use to care.

My change today was reignited by the word of my wife, who didn’t realize I read her post first thing this morning on Le Clown’s website, and she didn’t realize what she wrote was EXACTLY what I needed from her right now; I didn’t even know it at the time.

My wife is an amazing woman and she would not have been part of my life if my own life was pretty extraordinary in its own right.  Sure, I am not captain of an Antarctic cruiser, nor will I stand on top of Everest; but I can learn to swim and run and become an Ironman, I can listen more and play with the kids, I can do more dishes and stop making the kitchen a laundry – These small pieces of dignity are amazing.

These are the small wins, life throws them at you every fucking moment and we are too busy to see or feel them.  I feel today I have been given a second chance.  Maybe I had one years ago, but today, my wife reached me without trying and squeezed my hand and my heart and said, I love you and I stand by you.

I dedicate the man I am, the man I am becoming and the man I have been to you Amanda, thanks for reminding me of these words:

 Climbing up on Solsbury Hill
I could see the city light
Wind was blowing, time stood still
Eagle flew out of the night
He was something to observe
Came in close, I heard a voice
Standing stretching every nerve
Had to listen had no choice
I did not believe the information
I just had to trust imagination
My heart going boom boom boom
“Son,” he said “Grab your things,
I’ve come to take you home.”

To keep in silence I resigned
My friends would think I was a nut
Turning water into wine
Open doors would soon be shut
So I went from day to day
Tho’ my life was in a rut
“Till I thought of what I’d say
Which connection I should cut
I was feeling part of the scenery
I walked right out of the machinery
My heart going boom boom boom
“Hey” he said “Grab your things
I’ve come to take you home.”
(Back home.)

When illusion spin her net
I’m never where I want to be
And liberty she pirouette
When I think that I am free
Watched by empty silhouettes
Who close their eyes but still can see
No one taught them etiquette
I will show another me
Today I don’t need a replacement
I’ll tell them what the smile on my face meant
My heart going boom boom boom
“Hey” I said “You can keep my things,
They’ve come to take me home.”

 –          P. Gabriel, Solsbury Hill

The One where I am on Buffering (55 / 365)

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Sometimes I don’t know if I can do this, sometimes I think I talk a lot.  Sometimes I feel as if I do not have a lot to say or there is no intrinsic value in my words.  But there is value in words, just not words without conviction or action.  You my friends, have been reading words without action and now it is time to do something about that.

Remember when we wer kids and there were cliff hangers over the summer?  who shot JR?  Shit we won’t know for two months.  Well, it is in that spirit that I am buffering amd will be off air for 60 days.

Can Mike lose 40 pounds naturally in 60 Days?
Will he ever ride a bike again?
Will he stop whining about worK

We will see, I will see you at 115 / 365

The One Where I Like Myself (46 / 365)

image

Harry scary man

Like my post yesterday said, I.had to take a minivacation.  But, today and this weekend rather all-in-all were pretty good.  I had a few small victories to add up. 

I was blessed to get to spend time with the kids sooner last night as Amanda got to spend a well deserved night with somebody girlfriends.  We watched Host and ate Cal-Mexican bar Rolex neither if which were good for me or my soul.

Today was movie day with the boys; Adam, Anthony and my FIL Mark went to see Pacific Rim.  Not bad, not bad at all, but not top ten.

I’m still in a lot of pain from the bike accident last week, but 24 Hour is back open after a week of renovations, so I’m going to hit it up early tomorrow for small victory #1.  I’m also going to stay away from soda and canned energy drinks for victory#2, and finally close out the day with a game with the kids for victory #3.

I will ease back in and if it gets too painful, change up the exercise. 

Fit now friends, its never too late to do something.

Namaste

The One Where I Like Myself (46 / 365)

image

Harry scary man

Like my post yesterday said, I.had to take a minivacation.  But, today and this weekend rather all-in-all were pretty good.  I had a few small victories to add up. 

I was blessed to get to spend time with the kids sooner last night as Amanda got to spend a well deserved night with somebody girlfriends.  We watched Host and ate Cal-Mexican bar Rolex neither if which were good for me or my soul.

Today was movie day with the boys; Adam, Anthony and my FIL Mark went to see Pacific Rim.  Not bad, not bad at all, but not top ten.

I’m still in a lot of pain from the bike accident last week, but 24 Hour is back open after a week of renovations, so I’m going to hit it up early tomorrow for small victory #1.  I’m also going to stay away from soda and canned energy drinks for victory#2, and finally close out the day with a game with the kids for victory #3.

I will ease back in and if it gets too painful, change up the exercise. 

Fit now friends, its never too late to do something.

Namaste

The One Where I Have Come To Some Decisions (45 / 365)

My first bathroom selfie

My first bathroom selfie

If you are a casual follower, or a more seriously demented person and stalk my silliness on this page, you may have noticed my absence for two days.  This was by design.  I was thinking of stopping this project.  I was thinking about whether the direction of this project was actually helping me achieve my goals or just me being a dipshit.

Well, to be honest, I am exactly where I was 45 days ago.  BUT, that is not my blogs fault, it is my own self deprecation.  I hd forgotten what this blog was about.  Sharing and telling my experiences and associating that with pictures to learn to love myself.

Well, with that said, I am perfectly back and done with my self-indulgence.  I will ensure I am post my picture and some words of things I have learned or done along the way.  Thanks for putting up with my off days.

Namaste.

The One Where I Am Small (42 / 365)

Hello Kitty, meow.  Wow, I am a dork.

Hello Kitty, meow. Wow, I am a dork.

Small victories.  In life we have choices, my boss likes to say arbitrary things like “Chose the hill you want to die on”, especially when I am asking for something at work, or when he is defending our work.  It implies a large battle, the opposite of a small victory.  What is the difference between a major and a minor victory?  Not as much as you’d think.

Weight loss for one is an ongoing string of small victories.  It is fighting for each pound and recognizing EVERY choice you make impacts that line. It is knowing that you are in it for life and the race may never end, you may have to run this marathon the rest of your life.

Thinking of weightless as a large victory means you are on a diet, and chances are, you probably will gain it back.

Small victories commonly have huge payoffs, big rewards in emotional well-being and satisfaction, even if sometimes it is a little smug.  Early on in my weight loss, I would turn down alcohol or cake for example, and wonder why I was better than those around me.  The smugness wore off, but the feeling of pride that I was able to maintain my choices made me feel awesome.

That became my problem.  For me, three years ago now, I knew that I just had to move and stop eating pizza every day.  I did it for a week and it was a small victory that felt huge.   I started putting together strings of these little wins and realized I was creating a big win.  But then my focus became like a gambler.  If you have ever gambled or been addicted to gambling big, you will know this feeling.  Why bet $1.00 and win $1-$2 at a time, if I bet $50, I will win $50. 

That is how my weight loss turned, I stopped cheering for my small victories like my ex-wife’s jaw dropping when she saw that I had lost over 110 pounds when we bumped into each other, or, the first day I was able to ride my road bike all the way to work and home and I didn’t feel like dying.  These were huge in reward and payoff, but still little wins.  I traded them in though for the big win, and I crapped out. 

I LET life happen to me and allowed myself to accept loss, and chose poorly.  I am fat again solely on the bad choices I have made for the last twenty months.  It is time again to relish and love the small rewards, and in fact love ALL of the small things in my life, again.  It is getting in the pool and swimming four laps in good form.  It is finishing out a 40 minute indoor bike ride.  Hell at this point, I will take showing up at the gym as a small victory.

I just told my wife I needed a small win, and she asked what kind.  I hope this answered her.  It is now my responsibility to go get it.

Namaste.