Love, 5:30 AM Style

I am just going to jump right in.  It has been some time since I posted in this blog; I thought sincerely about starting a new blog with a whole new name, but this blog is a perfect testament to the man I was and the road I was at tyrannically fighting against myself.  It is full of plans and goals and ‘motivation’, but ultimately it is filled with self-deception. Pleae feel free to look back over my soul as you want.

In February, I nearly died. Weighing in at just north of 417 pounds, I stopped breathing and had to be intubated.  Luckily, this happened while at the hospital already for a broken and split toe.  9 days later, I had a decision.  Continue on the path I had been or stop always junk talking and actually do some shit about it.

Currently I am at 296 pounds and coming off of a small back step week.  I have learned this week that it is very easy to let mediocrity slip back in when you lose focus even for a moment.  Those individuals like Mia Hamm, Michael Jordan, Warren Buffet, Bill Clinton, Jack Donaghy, Kermit the frog and the list goes on and on, stay on focus nearly 100 % of the time, never losing track of what they want and are willing to sacrifice all else to get there.

I am not there, yet – But I am working at it, so I put this little slip back to bed and I start today, Father’s Day, with a Goddess blessing for all fathers and people who struggle; may joy find you today and may it manifest in your thought, word and deed one hundred fold.  Thanks dad, for everything you are and everything you taught me, sorry it took 35 years to sink in.

Peace my friends, peace and love.

Top of his game, baby!

Top of his game, baby!

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The One Where I Am Small (42 / 365)

Hello Kitty, meow.  Wow, I am a dork.

Hello Kitty, meow. Wow, I am a dork.

Small victories.  In life we have choices, my boss likes to say arbitrary things like “Chose the hill you want to die on”, especially when I am asking for something at work, or when he is defending our work.  It implies a large battle, the opposite of a small victory.  What is the difference between a major and a minor victory?  Not as much as you’d think.

Weight loss for one is an ongoing string of small victories.  It is fighting for each pound and recognizing EVERY choice you make impacts that line. It is knowing that you are in it for life and the race may never end, you may have to run this marathon the rest of your life.

Thinking of weightless as a large victory means you are on a diet, and chances are, you probably will gain it back.

Small victories commonly have huge payoffs, big rewards in emotional well-being and satisfaction, even if sometimes it is a little smug.  Early on in my weight loss, I would turn down alcohol or cake for example, and wonder why I was better than those around me.  The smugness wore off, but the feeling of pride that I was able to maintain my choices made me feel awesome.

That became my problem.  For me, three years ago now, I knew that I just had to move and stop eating pizza every day.  I did it for a week and it was a small victory that felt huge.   I started putting together strings of these little wins and realized I was creating a big win.  But then my focus became like a gambler.  If you have ever gambled or been addicted to gambling big, you will know this feeling.  Why bet $1.00 and win $1-$2 at a time, if I bet $50, I will win $50. 

That is how my weight loss turned, I stopped cheering for my small victories like my ex-wife’s jaw dropping when she saw that I had lost over 110 pounds when we bumped into each other, or, the first day I was able to ride my road bike all the way to work and home and I didn’t feel like dying.  These were huge in reward and payoff, but still little wins.  I traded them in though for the big win, and I crapped out. 

I LET life happen to me and allowed myself to accept loss, and chose poorly.  I am fat again solely on the bad choices I have made for the last twenty months.  It is time again to relish and love the small rewards, and in fact love ALL of the small things in my life, again.  It is getting in the pool and swimming four laps in good form.  It is finishing out a 40 minute indoor bike ride.  Hell at this point, I will take showing up at the gym as a small victory.

I just told my wife I needed a small win, and she asked what kind.  I hope this answered her.  It is now my responsibility to go get it.

Namaste.

 

 

The One Where I am on a Date (38 / 365)

Nerd Glasses

Nerd Glasses

My wife and I have not been on a date in a long time, so when Mom and Pop In Law offer, we jumped on it.  Today has not been necessarily about physical health, but the quiet time and alone time we get until 2 PM, is completely a mental health check.   Our own mental health is just as important as the physical, and I feel so much stress relief tonight, makes me look forward to the bike ride and other tomorrow morning, followed by quiet time at the pool.  Until 2 PM.  Did I say that yet?  Tee-He.

We saw Man of Steel by the way, excellent.  It was not in 3D, I am helping her on a photo scavenger hunt for ClicknMoms.com.  Go see Man of Steel.  Seriously, now.

Namaste

The One Where I am Dirty? (30 /365)

Look into my eyes

Look into my eyes

Short and sweet tonight, just like me.  hahaha.  Its my dirty thirty post.  I had never heard the term Dirty thirty until recently, but I like it.  I have to be honest, the first thirty posts were about proving something to myself.  This has been the first thirty days I have stuck with something that wasn’t required for a long time.  Now, I have shown myself and anyone who reads this blog that once you commit to something, it takes just a little effort, a whole lot of mindset and some cool people to support you to keep you going.

The next thirty is going to be amazing.  Over the next thirty I will become runner again, I will become hiker again and I will continue on the mental journey to liking and loving myself more and those around me.  I already am.

Namaste, see you in the morning.

 

The One About Regret (21 / 100)

The ONLY Denali I can afford

The ONLY Denali I can afford

There she is, my passion in better times.  Now she sits out on my porch with a flat gathering dust.  I am ashamed and saddened every time I see her.  i have got to admit, it is become easier to live through the adventures of others than to gt off my own fatass.  That is my new trademarked word, fatass.  There is a mile of difference between wanting and doing, and I am slowly learning that at the pace of molasses being poured out over a straight razor.  Too slowly.  I still end most days with a coke, a smile and maybe a doughnut, CAUSE I EARNED IT.  Lame.

Regret can be real, dangerous and deceiving.  But it can also teach us things.  the act i have only recently learned is that it is best to let go of regrets as soon as possible.  I actually learned it years ago from the friends of Bill W. but it means more to me today than it did in my fledgling sobriety, oddly.

Regrets can run the table from not thinking something through and making assumptions, or telling someone something that you shouldn’t or doing something stupid.  It can be for not doing things either; but we are all human and  we all have our regrets.  In order to heal myself mentally, i am going to list some of mine, in order to purge them from my attic once and for all:

I regret:
Not demanding $1000 up front and a pistol 20 years ago, before he skipped town.  Sonofabitch.
Not calling my dad, dad, until I was an adult
Not being as close to my kids as I should
Not being careerwise where i should
Watching the movies Mama, Last Exorcism and god forbid I am sure I will watch it soon, Last Exorcism 2
Not playing soccer more
Not being athletic
Not following through on my writings 20 years ago
Not riding my bike near enough

Funny thing is, we can look back and say yep, should have gone left but went right.  We always have way better hindsight.  Looking at this list of regrets makes me feel better.  No it is not complete, but looking at these, about 4 of them I can change easy, very easy and that is what I am going to do.

Honestly, I have a long way to go, and i cannot even look how far I have come because I am still in the starting blocks, even 3 weeks into this project.  admittedly, stalling, but not stopping.  Today though, even though I am not showing it, I am happier than I have been in a while.  Namaste.

WHAT ARE YOUR PASSIONS AND REGRETS?

The One Where I Won (14b / 365 )

Oooooh, lucky reader, you get what we call a twofer today.  Happy Hump Day.  Here is the special occasion:

I probably should at least TRY to come my hair from, time to time

I probably should at least TRY to comb my hair from, time to time

I follow Rebekah on her continuing fitness journey and fellowship with her community of folks already at or still working toward reaching their goal(s) over at TheHeavyWeightRunner.Com and she recently had a giveaway for a Polar FT4 heart rate monitor.  ironically and she did not know this, I had been really thinking about purchasing one to provide my workout and training toward triathlon the boost and accuracy I needed.  So this was wonderfully timed and SOOOOOOOO appreciated.  Thanks Rebekah.

For my 5 readers, please, take a few moments and take a look at her blog then LIKE her on Facebook at this link, it is an amazing community and wonderful input, tips, and posts daily from Rebekah and other community members.

Namaste

The One Where I am All Sweaty (14 / 365)

Worn OUT!

Worn OUT!

Just a quick post today, mid-week stretch to say to you that if I can get out of the house, do a 30 minute HIIT ride on th ebike, so can you.  Shout out to my mid-week excuse busters.  This is what it looks like when you are sweaty, tired and feel great about it.  I want it again tomorrow, so do YOU.  Namaste.