Love, 5:30 AM Style

I am just going to jump right in.  It has been some time since I posted in this blog; I thought sincerely about starting a new blog with a whole new name, but this blog is a perfect testament to the man I was and the road I was at tyrannically fighting against myself.  It is full of plans and goals and ‘motivation’, but ultimately it is filled with self-deception. Pleae feel free to look back over my soul as you want.

In February, I nearly died. Weighing in at just north of 417 pounds, I stopped breathing and had to be intubated.  Luckily, this happened while at the hospital already for a broken and split toe.  9 days later, I had a decision.  Continue on the path I had been or stop always junk talking and actually do some shit about it.

Currently I am at 296 pounds and coming off of a small back step week.  I have learned this week that it is very easy to let mediocrity slip back in when you lose focus even for a moment.  Those individuals like Mia Hamm, Michael Jordan, Warren Buffet, Bill Clinton, Jack Donaghy, Kermit the frog and the list goes on and on, stay on focus nearly 100 % of the time, never losing track of what they want and are willing to sacrifice all else to get there.

I am not there, yet – But I am working at it, so I put this little slip back to bed and I start today, Father’s Day, with a Goddess blessing for all fathers and people who struggle; may joy find you today and may it manifest in your thought, word and deed one hundred fold.  Thanks dad, for everything you are and everything you taught me, sorry it took 35 years to sink in.

Peace my friends, peace and love.

Top of his game, baby!

Top of his game, baby!

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Changes

Life is and always has been about choices and the impact they make on us. It’ like they say, if a cow farts in Iowa, an angel burns in Japan. Or something like that, I CHOSE not to remember. I am struggling in my professional life. I am being put out to pasture and I can feel it, for someone like me who is a triple-A personality, this bugs the living shit out of me. I hate feeling useless, lifeless, used up and patronized. I would rather be fired than strung along. How it is my fault that we lost the respect we did baffles my mind. I received little to no leadership from above when I specifically asked for it and was hung out like a whipping boy, possibly intended. I was made to do it to another, and I missed it when it came for me. I see my previous friends being made to beg borrow and steal to be where I was; so now I am being kept busy. Put out to pasture.   No clout, like it is my first day on the job. I can totally feel my throat closing and my blood pressure rising right now, awesome.

Personally, I am not in a position to start my own business, so I am limited to my choices. I see that I have exactly two choices. Quit and go back to Utah, which sounds effing fantastic. But I’d still need to find a job, and I really do not want to start over. Or two, become a fucking rock star again. You tell me I need to lose 200 pounds to fit in? Eff you, I will lose 205. You tell me to wear a tie from time to time? Eff you, every day. Under commit, over deliver. Sit-down, shut up and yes sir, 24/7. Welcome the new Mikey H. Stabber of backs, builder of fiefdoms. Uber wizard of data.

I have been played as a pawn under the fiefdom here, well, they haven’t taken me and when I get to the other side of the board, and I can be a queen. A HUGE raging thunder queen! Wait, wait. That is not sounding the way I want it. I can be a KNIGHT, with QUEEN powers, YES! Super knight. Super knight travels the board in pentacle patterns, or “A” patterns or whatever shitty pattern Super Knight feels like. Super knight will master his self-discipline, not be tardy, not call in – will sit through meetings and learn and learn and learn, and when he is ready, pounce!

Super Knight will invest with fervor into his fully vested 401 k plan so that when and if the day comes that his fiefdom is sacked, he will be left laughing, hauling his bag of gold to some kind of IRA or Roth plan or invest in his own business… Bwahahahaha.

Super Knight will shave every mother freaking day of the week. You want his face smooth as a baby’s but you sick weirdo? You got it, go on, touch it, feel the smoothness. Gross, you freak, I was making allegory.

I will be the quintessential first man in last man out daily; projects will be overrun by Super Knight. VP’s will want him, AVP’s will want to be him and the day will come, when the fiefdom smiles down on Super Knight and says, “Today is your day Super Knight, we are promoting you to AVP”, and Super Knight will look up from his data, and yell “NEVERMORE” and thrust his keyboard into the heart of the beast and the land will be free.

And then Super Knight, avenged of Mike, will go home, pack his things and trek back to Utah with his family in tow, singing praises of his name.

Yeah, I think that is exactly how it will go.

Life from an RV (Daily Prompt: Rolling Stone)

Super Roadster 2013

Super Roadster 2013

Groovy time for this daily prompt as for over a year I have tried to talk my wife into, and amp up the thought of, living a nomadic life.  She is not convinced while I on the other hand have the perfect vision of our life in an RV.  Yes, an RV.  My dream is to sell all of our meager possessions, buy an RV and live out of it for as long as we can.

We would start out driving from Las Vegas, our home base, to San Diego where we could live on the beaches and eat Fish tacos until we had little money left, at which point we could drive further upstate and inland to work for a few months as itinerant workers picking apples, just enough to have some cash.

Eventually we would get tired of this and drive north again, spending some time crashing Yosemite, San Francisco and working at a marijuana farm for the harvest.

This IS legal, right?

This IS legal, right?

OK, disclaimer, I do not advocate for or against the use of marijuana, you are a damn adult and can make that decision yourself.

We would travel across the country for months at a time, spending days, weeks, months or years even in one place and then trucking on, this year maybe we take the north route across the country, next year the south and hell, the year after that, we go to South America.  Why not?  Life on the road is a precious thing; we could create a new blog about it called Southern Fried Gypsies in Mexico or something creative my wife would come up with, and can you imagine the pictures we would take?

See, I cannot see a down side to this.  Very low overhead and mega up on the juice side.

I am sure that there are some things I have not thought too much about, say, the schooling of our three youngest but I assume we can homeschool them and what better school than the road.  I believe it was Jack Kerouac who said “Dig, man, homeschool those cats on the road, what better school than that?”  Maybe he didn’t say that, but he would have.

Yummy, especially on a paper plate

Yummy, especially on a paper plate

Anyway, life would not always be perfect I know, but it would be a larger adventure than we have now, and isn’t that what it is all about?  See you on the road; I will keep you some fish tacos.

Here are some other great posts from this Daily Prompt:

The One Where I Feel Upside Down (19 / 365)

This angle really brings out the grey

This angle really brings out the grey

One of the first things I notice is that when I shoot with my wife’s more professional camera with her new 50mm fixed lens, she gets kind of antsy as if I am going to break it.  pshaw.  Second, I come in a lot more in focus.

A lot more in focus, great metaphor for today.  I am feeling very upside down like this picture implies and I am having a hard time communicating this to anyone, especially my wife, I am coming off like a whiny li’l bitch.  I am not a great orator anyway, and when I am trying to talk about the lack of clarity or issues circling my brain, I stammer, I go emotions and I do not get it out.

Basically though, what I think I am trying to tell everyone is that right now I feel out of focus and I need to get the picture sharper.  Working out will definitely help, but I have some major blurred shots in my career and living.  I am going to need some time to focus through that and answer some very tough questions (Is C1B as dedicated to me as I to it, and if not, what do I do?  Do I want to stay in Las Vegas and is my wife committed or is it lip service?)

So please, if you read this and know me in my day-to-day, I am just seeking clarity, like everyone else and not trying to be a douche.

WHAT IN YOUR LIFE IS CAUSING ANXIETY, STRESS OR CONFUSION AND HOW DO YOU COPE?

Namaste

The One Where I am Gray (17 /365)

Those are oil on canvas paintings on the ceiling in the mirror behind me.

Those are oil on canvas paintings on the ceiling in the mirror behind me.

Today was a perfect metaphor for the last week.  I won’t rant a lot, as I wrote myself a pickup letter yesterday, but i have felt gray in a world of color all week.  This week could not end soon enough for me.  It was a drag needless to say, but also i was able to learn some things about me, and was able to get a little more ahead this week than last.  I did not get any replies to whether i should shave my head or not, except from my father in law who told me to go Nazarene like Samson.  Thanks Mark!  i DO appreciate the feedback and support.

Sometimes, we are in neutral gunning the engine.  This is not always bad; it could be our mind telling us we need a break or physically we need to slow down.  Sometimes though it is just that we forgot to disengage the clutch and it is time to go.  That being said, this week I intend to fully release the clutch and hit the ground running when I wake up, how?  By visualizing a better day tomorrow and acknowledging that this feeling will pass because I made it so.  I am truly hoping and visualizing that by July 23rd, I am able to do some moderate hiking at least.

For proper disclosure, this photo was taken at the amazingly under-visited Artisan Hotel in Las Vegas.  it is a dark, quirky, wonderfully hip hotel.  It is as if you walked into the museum of art just after a non lethal bomb exploded throwing velvet and art everywhere.  Go check them out, they are awesome!

Until tomorrow peeps, stay up.  Namaste.

The Have and the Have Not Knot

A fellow blogger of mine and I must be on the same wavelength, Awesome Ashilde (sorry my friend, I do not know how to add the diactric 😦 ), posted about the power of positive thinking and visioning called “What Can the Power of Your Mind Do?“;  Take a few moments and go check out her blog and then come back to this one.  Pretty awesome stuff eh?  Pretty bad pun there  forgive me.

For the past few weeks, since the end of May, I had been trying to figure out why I was not getting anywhere with my weight loss journey.  I was about to start my Weightloss 365 project, I was a member of Gym-Pact and going to the gym at least 4 times a week but still not losing, and in fact, I had gained a couple more.  Looking back, we were still not key on the food side and that was a big part of it, but an even bigger part goes back over 16 months now.  Probably to October 2011.

That was the month I stopped seeing me as a triathlete, a runner, a climber, a hiker or fitness rat.  Instead my vision changed to that of husband and father at 40.  And it scared me, it brought me a lot of stress, fear, doubt and anger at times.  Of COURSE this was in addition to all of the love, happiness, gladness, excitement and hope that overwhelmed the others like 4 to 1, but it was still a seed and my vision plan of Mike fell to the side.

When you are planning something big you simply cannot get off plan.  I had gotten just over halfway to my goal weight in a little over 1 year.  I had lost over 120 pounds in 13 months, that is freaking huge and I had so much more on my plate but decided I could focus on myself less and less and focus on the other roles first.

When we see professional athletes or musicians that are literally at the top of their game, what do we think?  sometimes we think arrogance and ego and we would not be wrong.  There is so much work to be the best at your game that you have to put yourself first and for right or wrong, sometimes that causes these men and women to make bad choices and cheat at their sport, or in their personal life.  But at the core of what they were doing, putting themselves and their game first, was absolutely correct.

Let me ask you a question, if you are out of shape and not taking care of yourself before ALL other things, how are you going to be around to take care of everything else?  You won’t be.

That was what I had forgotten, before my wonderful marriage and baby with Amanda it was easy, I was alone and could and would put my needs above all others.  I still have to, just tempered down a notch and I have to remember it’s not going to be as easy as it was before.  But I still can do it.  I don’t blame anyone or expect anyone sympathy for my loss of vision, that is what vision is, it belongs to the owner so nobody can take it away.  I alone lost it.

Think about Christian prayer, Wiccan spellcasting, pre-game drills and rituals, rally caps.  What do all of these have in common?  They are all part of the vision process and allow us to creatively see what we want, focus energy on it and make it happen, and believe me when I say i have cast a few spells and got EXACTLY what i wanted even though maybe I wasn’t 100% on target to what i wanted.

By seeing myself as a triathlete in making, a hiker and climber, I had  become these things.  I was riding my bike everywhere, I had taken up running and was looking for a swim team to learn to swim.  I was hiking at least every few weeks, both urban and nature, and was well on my way to climbing by the end of 2012.  Then my vision changed as I mentioned and I saw myself as father, husband and breadwinner.  I have to incorporate my earlier vision into my current vision.

To make this long post come to a close, last week I began to see myself as father, husband, breadwinner, triathlete in making, climber, hiker, and cheerleader for my kids and family and continue to use POSITIVE voice instead of NEGATIVE voice, I have made some folks smile, made a new friend or two and weight wise have lost over 5 pounds this week.  That is amazing and part of my vision.  The most awesome thing about this, is that creative visioning is self-perpetuating.

What do I mean?  The more I see myself in the way I want to be seen, the easier it is to meet my short to intermediate goals and when I meet those goals, it is easier to see myself in the way I want to be seen and so on.  Amazing!  It works.

So for this week I challenge YOU to post one positive thing in social media, to workout at least three times this week and more importantly, come up with one positive light to see yourself in this week and make it happen.  I KNOW you can do this, I can see it in you.

Before I forget to all those who are fathers or “fathers” or fathers to be, happiest of all fathers day to you.  It is the unsung hero of our generation who makes his kids feel like they can achieve anything.

Namaste.