A Poetic Interlude to Get Started

I read a blog post today from someone that I admire and care for deeply.  It reminded me a little bit of who I am and where I came from and what I have lost within myself over the last 18 months.  Somewhere I had forgotten that I knew I was a rockstar and other people saw me the same; whether that was from being a kind man, a lover, a good father and listener, a great employee or an actual physical player of musical instrument.  I use to care for change, I use to care.

My change today was reignited by the word of my wife, who didn’t realize I read her post first thing this morning on Le Clown’s website, and she didn’t realize what she wrote was EXACTLY what I needed from her right now; I didn’t even know it at the time.

My wife is an amazing woman and she would not have been part of my life if my own life was pretty extraordinary in its own right.  Sure, I am not captain of an Antarctic cruiser, nor will I stand on top of Everest; but I can learn to swim and run and become an Ironman, I can listen more and play with the kids, I can do more dishes and stop making the kitchen a laundry – These small pieces of dignity are amazing.

These are the small wins, life throws them at you every fucking moment and we are too busy to see or feel them.  I feel today I have been given a second chance.  Maybe I had one years ago, but today, my wife reached me without trying and squeezed my hand and my heart and said, I love you and I stand by you.

I dedicate the man I am, the man I am becoming and the man I have been to you Amanda, thanks for reminding me of these words:

 Climbing up on Solsbury Hill
I could see the city light
Wind was blowing, time stood still
Eagle flew out of the night
He was something to observe
Came in close, I heard a voice
Standing stretching every nerve
Had to listen had no choice
I did not believe the information
I just had to trust imagination
My heart going boom boom boom
“Son,” he said “Grab your things,
I’ve come to take you home.”

To keep in silence I resigned
My friends would think I was a nut
Turning water into wine
Open doors would soon be shut
So I went from day to day
Tho’ my life was in a rut
“Till I thought of what I’d say
Which connection I should cut
I was feeling part of the scenery
I walked right out of the machinery
My heart going boom boom boom
“Hey” he said “Grab your things
I’ve come to take you home.”
(Back home.)

When illusion spin her net
I’m never where I want to be
And liberty she pirouette
When I think that I am free
Watched by empty silhouettes
Who close their eyes but still can see
No one taught them etiquette
I will show another me
Today I don’t need a replacement
I’ll tell them what the smile on my face meant
My heart going boom boom boom
“Hey” I said “You can keep my things,
They’ve come to take me home.”

 –          P. Gabriel, Solsbury Hill


The One Where I am Loving (34 / 35)

Pardon me sir, is that a doodie on your upper lip?

Pardon me sir, is that a doodie on your upper lip?

The woman in this picture is my wife, I have had two before her, but she is the one.  Today is her birthday, so we will not mention the other two again.  In its strictest measure this picture is still a perfect part of my Weightloss 365 project.

This has been and always will be one of my favorite photos of us.  We had known each other for about 2 months and it was shortly after this when I knew I was in love with her, and four months later I would very nearly lose her except I was crafty enough to get her over to my house one last time and touch her face.  It made her cry and we decided we were not over.

About ten months after this picture, I ask her to marry me.  Ten months and a week after this picture, we found out we would be welcoming a gummy into the house.  And it was thirteen months and three days later that I would marry her.

This picture captures us as we want to be, full of mirth, activity and fun.  Sure we have a baby – but we have weathered the first year and now she can be baby sat.  This captured the fun we had at Insurgo Theater which has unfortunately folded with most of the troupe going into the wind or players at Cockroach Theater.

We read about a group of folks who took pictures of themselves at various places with mustaches on sticks, we still have the mustaches.  Perhaps we should pull them out again soon.

Amanda has seen me on my way down in weight, meeting me when I was about 310 pounds all the way down to the runner at 245 pounds and now unfortunately, at my worst, back up to 355 pounds.  That is twenty-five pounds from where I started this nastiness seven months before this picture was taken.

I am looking at her now, on her thirty-fourth  twenty-ninth birthday by the glow of computer light, with our baby between us as we post blogs.  Together separately, she smiles at me from time to time and mouths “I love you” and my heart skips a beat – she is my best friend, my wife, my lover, mother of my children both biological and by marriage.  She has her own goals and dreams and aspirations but has always been and still is my biggest cheerleader.  I do not even have the words to convey how much she inspires in me the desire to be damn near perfect, because she has never asked me to be.

I love her more today than I did two months after this picture was taken, I will love her more even tomorrow.  And even more later.  My biggest goal for this year, if I can give back to her anything is on December fourth of this year, is to be lighter than the man in this picture, with the spark back in my eye and pulling her along on some stupid adventure, with the mustaches,

Happy birthday my love.


The One Where I am Determined (12 / 365)

I love the fact that my office appears to be windy.

I love the fact that my office appears to be windy.

I am determined today to:

1) Be Positive
2) To go to the gym for 1 hour and put some in
3) Continue to see myslef positively
4) Not be a douche to my wife like I was last night, on Fathers Day of all days
5) Keep it real as a motherfucker and be as bad as  I am

I had a good weekend, until grumpy cat came to visit and poop on my face about 6 PM yesterday, no clue why, just did.  My fault, my mess.  But today is a new day, manic Monday and I hope today you find love, happiness and peace.  Namaste.

Friday Night Date Night – Married Style

Picture it with me if you will; nine-hundred and fifty square feet if it is an inch, of condo. Three bedrooms, two baths. Children: A grown ass man-teen, an emo tween daughter and the connoisseur of co-sleeping, little princess. Throw in two adults and you can see that my wife and I value our private time. So we have a newly established ritual.

Friday afternoon, sometime around four PM, we lose little-man to either the X-Box or to his friend Ira and most weeks there is Girl Scouts, so Emo-girl goes to scouts (after complaining about it for an hour, and then later referring to her friends there as her BFF’s). So this gives Amanda, Little Princess and I about one and one-half hour to find something to do. A few weeks ago, we realized, the gym (24 Hour Fitness on Wigwam) takes children in care until 8:00 PM. Perfect, and thus Date Night Friday Night Gym night was born. Perfect, almost. Generally her majesty only gives us about thirty to forty minutes to work out, so we have become super efficient.

Last night was a little different. Somehow and in a plot similar to the Manchurian Candidate, Emo-girl recently conned talked Mimi and Mark into taking her and brother to Circus Circus. How she pulled it off, nobody will ever know. Mimi and Mark are my mother and father-in-law, so even though sometimes I would gladly let Emo-girl go with a stranger, they were in good hands. So now we had a whole night to the three of us, which means by little princess count, we were one heavy. But I digress…

So to the gym we went! If you have never worked out with someone, you should try; also, if that other person is a significant other (brother, mother, Jesus or wife for example), it is amazing. We keep it real by only going to the gym together once or twice a week – and we really only work out together on Friday night. Again we value or solitude and this allows us to still be alone, together. We got in a great lower body workout, and little princess was still OK in day care, so Amanda threw down some additional cardio while I kicked it in the dry sauna. Yep, 120 degrees outside my condo is something to bitch about, but 120 degrees in a five by five wooden room with sweaty fat men? A reward.

After the gym, sweaty gross and starving; I mean I could literally eat the ass end of a cow at this point, we thought about our dinner options…

<Interlude> Tara Costa from the Biggest Loser posted on FB the other day, “You cannot train through poor nutrition”. That hit me like bricks. I have been cheating nutritionally and I am able to compensate in the gym. This is another blog post coming some day, but it is relevant to what is about to happen, NOW


Co-Sleeper, Joy Division fan and angry baby turned one 5/17

Co-Sleeper, Joy Division fan and angry baby turned one 5/17

… And decided that we would go to Island Sushi for all you can eat sushi for $26.95. I mean, it was little princess birthday and all. Island Sushi is amazing, it is a little of the 808 in the 702. We have been going here for about eighteen months and they have always been so welcoming and good to us. The food is fantastic, the servers are nice and I recommend island to anyone looking for a great deal for AYCE Sushi in Vegas (how awesome would it be for an AYE sushi place to sponsor a blog whose main theme is weight-loss and triathlon. Awesome balls, and nudge nudge to Island Sushi – I am looking your way for a giveaway).

So that was Friday night Date night and little princess first birthday. I have had some mixed emotions about myself this week but have learned a lot. I can suffice it to say, Damn, it is hard to be 40 and still a man child finding himself. So much I want to do, so little will power right now to do it. But, like I said, I learned a lot about me, Amanda, my communication, my sense of humor and my desire this week. So, since I ate like a starving prisoner last night, I close with breakfast this morning Much love, mahalo for stopping by.

Scarmbled Egg with siracha, Toast (unbuttered) and freshly ground Peruvian blend coffee (thanks Bellina!)

Scrambled Egg with Siracha, Toast (un-buttered), four strawberries and freshly ground Peruvian blend coffee (thanks Bellina!)

Happy Birthday Baby Girl

I had a blog post all written up to celebrate TMIFriday, or my penis, or weightloss or some other randomness, but if you will indulge me…

Dear Ayden,

It has been a long time since I wrote to you.  First, let me just say, Happy Birthday princess.  You are one year old today and though that means nothing to you yet, it means that you survived.  Infant mortality rates ONLY go up from here, and what?  With all the damn co-sleeping you insist on, and knowing your in-home brother and sister, well, this is nothing short of a miracle.

 Back on 2010 when I met your mom, my whole world was turned upside down.  I didn’t know that the deep seed in the back of my head that was you would come to be.  I barely was able to kiss your mom without her intervention on our first date.  Your mom rocks my world, then and now (when you let me have any time with her, that is.  You are a jealous baby).

 I thought that if I met the right woman, I’d be OK with having a baby.  I wasn’t going out and trying to make you, but if the worlds aligned, I wasn’t going to bitch too much.  Well, we found out on a quiet night in September of 2011 that you would be joining us.  Your mom told me she already knew because of a tarot reading, but this was empirical proof you were going to be in our life.

 At the time we called you Gummy, because that is what you looked like, an effing gummy bear.  The whole time in the early stages, I was whispering on the wind that I hoped you were a girl.  I prayed, and hoped you would be my little girl.  Mommy wanted a boy, and did everything she could to thwart daddy’s attempt at wishing you into a girl.  The good news is, that the Goddess likes daddy more and I remember when the sonogram technician said, “there is the hamburger parts, and it’s a girl”.  I have no idea to this day what that means, but I got and still get a tear in my eye when I think of that moment.  So perfect, it was as if all my dreams were coming true.

 One thing you don’t know about your mom is that she is the perfect baby incubator; I am now calling her the Iron Womb.  We had an uneventful pregnancy and even the doctor, Dr. Garg. Was surprised at how you just kind of shot out of mommy.  Your aunt Amy was there, and that was probably the last time you saw her, but after the doctor, I was the first to get to hold you.  Before mommy, before the nurse, before anyone else, I got to hold my little girl.  Ten toes, ten fingers and you opened your eyes and looked at me for the briefest of seconds with all that gross womb shit stuck to you.  Gross.

 The year has flow by baby.  It has been 20 months since you changed me forever.  I will be an “old father” and that is my only regret.  But I will be there for you princess, every day in every way you need me.  It is the same promise I have made to your older brothers and sister, even though they need me less and less these days as they get older.  But you, I’ve got you for at least a few years all to me, and I am going to take them and love the shit out of you.

 Happy birthday princess,

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Monday – May 13th, 2013

There comes a time in every man’s life where he just realizes he is sick of it.  I have been over 300 pounds too damn long and I am sick of it.  I wanted to stop and get my secret two doughnut breakfast (that isn’t really a secret if your wife knows all about it and says nothing) and rockstar. I really did, and I almost stopped.  But I am sick of being sick.  I have said it before, that I needed a change, an epic change or an inspiration; but fuck it.  I realized overnight what motivated me to lose the weight the first time wasn’t divine inspiration, or the will to motivate.

 It was life or death desperation, time to shit or get off the pot.  The difference is, now I am playing for so much more.  I have the most amazing wife and kids who do not need an absentee father any more.  They need a dad who, by example, shows them how much fun life can be without sugar, soda and a shit ton of negativity.

 I am sick of being sick and tired.  I am sick of the boss, I am sick of Kate Moss.  I am sick of the characters on Friends, especially Ross.  Time to live like a boss, and run the ranch like my boy Hoss.  I have to take better care of my teeth with some dental floss, and gain control of my own life and weight loss.

 OK, forgive that, it was a little rambunctious beat poetry down your gullet.  But in all seriousness; I am tired of excuses.  YES.  It is going to suck for a while; I remember how boring it can be.  YES, your knees are going to be screaming in two weeks (but then, remember how one day, they just didn’t?).  Is it worth it, do I want it, can I do it, when?  Now.  No more bringing Amanda down; no more being jealous of the adventures my friends have; no more fucking excuses.  Move, move now or die.

 Jude Law says kill it Hildebrand:

Insert motivating music here
Insert motivating music here