The One Where I Feel Upside Down (19 / 365)

This angle really brings out the grey

This angle really brings out the grey

One of the first things I notice is that when I shoot with my wife’s more professional camera with her new 50mm fixed lens, she gets kind of antsy as if I am going to break it.  pshaw.  Second, I come in a lot more in focus.

A lot more in focus, great metaphor for today.  I am feeling very upside down like this picture implies and I am having a hard time communicating this to anyone, especially my wife, I am coming off like a whiny li’l bitch.  I am not a great orator anyway, and when I am trying to talk about the lack of clarity or issues circling my brain, I stammer, I go emotions and I do not get it out.

Basically though, what I think I am trying to tell everyone is that right now I feel out of focus and I need to get the picture sharper.  Working out will definitely help, but I have some major blurred shots in my career and living.  I am going to need some time to focus through that and answer some very tough questions (Is C1B as dedicated to me as I to it, and if not, what do I do?  Do I want to stay in Las Vegas and is my wife committed or is it lip service?)

So please, if you read this and know me in my day-to-day, I am just seeking clarity, like everyone else and not trying to be a douche.




Salt Lake City, UT

What does it mean to be homesick? Really? If home is where you lay your head or home is where the heart is at, theoretically anywhere I may roam, is home, right?

So what is it about a place that makes us long for it more than normal? Is it a moment that we shared there? Is it the people whose faces once were so clear in our mind, but are starting to fade as memories?

Even then, was it always good times? That seems improbable, so there has to have been bad times too, but they seem to have already faded in the memory that has become jaded and clouded from the day to day.

What does it mean to be homesick? If I live in one place, is that not my home? Do I get sick for my front door when I leave for work? Do I pine for my bathroom? No, I don’t think that I do.

How did I become homesick? I mean, I moved away, so I had to be ready for a change. Why now? Why does my mortal mind recoil at the thought of spending eternity where I am at right now? Physically, not the people, let’s be clear on that immediately.

How can I be homesick for a place I was not even born? If I leave here, in five years will I be homesick for here?

What does it mean to be homesick? I think it is our mind laughing at old jokes, visiting the highlight reel of the place we called home for some time. Breathing in the cotton candy essence of the day to day, and ignoring the tar sticky bad things.

Its remembering that you saw an autographed receipt at the old laundry Stonewash, signed by Stephen Jenkins of 3Eb, and how cool you thought that was that a rockstar you just discovered had his underwear cleaned at the same place you did. It is forgetting that the Spaghetti Factory on Fifty-Fourth and Redwood Road was where you had your heart truly broken for the fist time. Or is that part of it?

What does it mean to be homesick? It’s knowing that there are no balls on the Indian at the state capital. It’s knowing that gravity hill use to be pretty fucking awesome and Memory Grove use to be a skanky dark little drug den. Not unlike Pioneer park (now an artisan community), Liberty Park (urban outdoor mecca) and Fairmont Park (actually, this one hasn’t changed).

What does it mean to be homesick? It means really thinking of the worst of the place you live. It means remembering that graduations happen in casinos. It means that movies happen in casinos. It means thinking that the grass is greener a little to the north. Is it really?

What does it mean to be homesick? It means dilutedly thinking that Kearns is a way better place to raise your family than Henderson. It means thinking that you could probably make Ten Thousand less a year there and still survive, It means thinking all of your problems will disappear as soon as you close the door on the Uhaul.

What does it mean to be homesick? It means not knowing. It means a leap of faith; it means taking advantage of Credit One and get my fucking degree while I can and let them pay for it and go along and say yes sir, and shave and wear slacks and not give a damn that we don’t have money to visit the place that has made me so homesick.

What does it mean to be homesick? It means thinking hot dogs grilled over a fire in Big Cottonwood Canyon taste better than those grilled at Mt. Charleston (they don’t). It means hiking in the Wasatch is so much more beautiful than the Red Rock area (its not). It means thinking that the snow at Alta is so much more powder and slick than Mt. Charleston (OK, got me there again Utah).

What does it mean to be homesick? It means thinking this time, when you go home, it will be different. You will do everything as a family, it will all be Summer Sun Shiny all day. That it will be Leatherby’s and Lagoon every weekend instead of Mr. D’s and Wet n’ Wild (still not sold on that). It is knowing that SL Bee’s baseball is better than Las Vegas 51’s (wait, don’t the Cubs come play a preseason weekend here?).

What does it mean to you, to be homesick?

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