Love, 5:30 AM Style

I am just going to jump right in.  It has been some time since I posted in this blog; I thought sincerely about starting a new blog with a whole new name, but this blog is a perfect testament to the man I was and the road I was at tyrannically fighting against myself.  It is full of plans and goals and ‘motivation’, but ultimately it is filled with self-deception. Pleae feel free to look back over my soul as you want.

In February, I nearly died. Weighing in at just north of 417 pounds, I stopped breathing and had to be intubated.  Luckily, this happened while at the hospital already for a broken and split toe.  9 days later, I had a decision.  Continue on the path I had been or stop always junk talking and actually do some shit about it.

Currently I am at 296 pounds and coming off of a small back step week.  I have learned this week that it is very easy to let mediocrity slip back in when you lose focus even for a moment.  Those individuals like Mia Hamm, Michael Jordan, Warren Buffet, Bill Clinton, Jack Donaghy, Kermit the frog and the list goes on and on, stay on focus nearly 100 % of the time, never losing track of what they want and are willing to sacrifice all else to get there.

I am not there, yet – But I am working at it, so I put this little slip back to bed and I start today, Father’s Day, with a Goddess blessing for all fathers and people who struggle; may joy find you today and may it manifest in your thought, word and deed one hundred fold.  Thanks dad, for everything you are and everything you taught me, sorry it took 35 years to sink in.

Peace my friends, peace and love.

Top of his game, baby!

Top of his game, baby!

The One Where I Like Myself (46 / 365)

image

Harry scary man

Like my post yesterday said, I.had to take a minivacation.  But, today and this weekend rather all-in-all were pretty good.  I had a few small victories to add up. 

I was blessed to get to spend time with the kids sooner last night as Amanda got to spend a well deserved night with somebody girlfriends.  We watched Host and ate Cal-Mexican bar Rolex neither if which were good for me or my soul.

Today was movie day with the boys; Adam, Anthony and my FIL Mark went to see Pacific Rim.  Not bad, not bad at all, but not top ten.

I’m still in a lot of pain from the bike accident last week, but 24 Hour is back open after a week of renovations, so I’m going to hit it up early tomorrow for small victory #1.  I’m also going to stay away from soda and canned energy drinks for victory#2, and finally close out the day with a game with the kids for victory #3.

I will ease back in and if it gets too painful, change up the exercise. 

Fit now friends, its never too late to do something.

Namaste

The One Where I Like Myself (46 / 365)

image

Harry scary man

Like my post yesterday said, I.had to take a minivacation.  But, today and this weekend rather all-in-all were pretty good.  I had a few small victories to add up. 

I was blessed to get to spend time with the kids sooner last night as Amanda got to spend a well deserved night with somebody girlfriends.  We watched Host and ate Cal-Mexican bar Rolex neither if which were good for me or my soul.

Today was movie day with the boys; Adam, Anthony and my FIL Mark went to see Pacific Rim.  Not bad, not bad at all, but not top ten.

I’m still in a lot of pain from the bike accident last week, but 24 Hour is back open after a week of renovations, so I’m going to hit it up early tomorrow for small victory #1.  I’m also going to stay away from soda and canned energy drinks for victory#2, and finally close out the day with a game with the kids for victory #3.

I will ease back in and if it gets too painful, change up the exercise. 

Fit now friends, its never too late to do something.

Namaste

The One Where I Am Small (42 / 365)

Hello Kitty, meow.  Wow, I am a dork.

Hello Kitty, meow. Wow, I am a dork.

Small victories.  In life we have choices, my boss likes to say arbitrary things like “Chose the hill you want to die on”, especially when I am asking for something at work, or when he is defending our work.  It implies a large battle, the opposite of a small victory.  What is the difference between a major and a minor victory?  Not as much as you’d think.

Weight loss for one is an ongoing string of small victories.  It is fighting for each pound and recognizing EVERY choice you make impacts that line. It is knowing that you are in it for life and the race may never end, you may have to run this marathon the rest of your life.

Thinking of weightless as a large victory means you are on a diet, and chances are, you probably will gain it back.

Small victories commonly have huge payoffs, big rewards in emotional well-being and satisfaction, even if sometimes it is a little smug.  Early on in my weight loss, I would turn down alcohol or cake for example, and wonder why I was better than those around me.  The smugness wore off, but the feeling of pride that I was able to maintain my choices made me feel awesome.

That became my problem.  For me, three years ago now, I knew that I just had to move and stop eating pizza every day.  I did it for a week and it was a small victory that felt huge.   I started putting together strings of these little wins and realized I was creating a big win.  But then my focus became like a gambler.  If you have ever gambled or been addicted to gambling big, you will know this feeling.  Why bet $1.00 and win $1-$2 at a time, if I bet $50, I will win $50. 

That is how my weight loss turned, I stopped cheering for my small victories like my ex-wife’s jaw dropping when she saw that I had lost over 110 pounds when we bumped into each other, or, the first day I was able to ride my road bike all the way to work and home and I didn’t feel like dying.  These were huge in reward and payoff, but still little wins.  I traded them in though for the big win, and I crapped out. 

I LET life happen to me and allowed myself to accept loss, and chose poorly.  I am fat again solely on the bad choices I have made for the last twenty months.  It is time again to relish and love the small rewards, and in fact love ALL of the small things in my life, again.  It is getting in the pool and swimming four laps in good form.  It is finishing out a 40 minute indoor bike ride.  Hell at this point, I will take showing up at the gym as a small victory.

I just told my wife I needed a small win, and she asked what kind.  I hope this answered her.  It is now my responsibility to go get it.

Namaste.

 

 

The One Where I am Loving (34 / 35)

Pardon me sir, is that a doodie on your upper lip?

Pardon me sir, is that a doodie on your upper lip?

The woman in this picture is my wife, I have had two before her, but she is the one.  Today is her birthday, so we will not mention the other two again.  In its strictest measure this picture is still a perfect part of my Weightloss 365 project.

This has been and always will be one of my favorite photos of us.  We had known each other for about 2 months and it was shortly after this when I knew I was in love with her, and four months later I would very nearly lose her except I was crafty enough to get her over to my house one last time and touch her face.  It made her cry and we decided we were not over.

About ten months after this picture, I ask her to marry me.  Ten months and a week after this picture, we found out we would be welcoming a gummy into the house.  And it was thirteen months and three days later that I would marry her.

This picture captures us as we want to be, full of mirth, activity and fun.  Sure we have a baby – but we have weathered the first year and now she can be baby sat.  This captured the fun we had at Insurgo Theater which has unfortunately folded with most of the troupe going into the wind or players at Cockroach Theater.

We read about a group of folks who took pictures of themselves at various places with mustaches on sticks, we still have the mustaches.  Perhaps we should pull them out again soon.

Amanda has seen me on my way down in weight, meeting me when I was about 310 pounds all the way down to the runner at 245 pounds and now unfortunately, at my worst, back up to 355 pounds.  That is twenty-five pounds from where I started this nastiness seven months before this picture was taken.

I am looking at her now, on her thirty-fourth  twenty-ninth birthday by the glow of computer light, with our baby between us as we post blogs.  Together separately, she smiles at me from time to time and mouths “I love you” and my heart skips a beat – she is my best friend, my wife, my lover, mother of my children both biological and by marriage.  She has her own goals and dreams and aspirations but has always been and still is my biggest cheerleader.  I do not even have the words to convey how much she inspires in me the desire to be damn near perfect, because she has never asked me to be.

I love her more today than I did two months after this picture was taken, I will love her more even tomorrow.  And even more later.  My biggest goal for this year, if I can give back to her anything is on December fourth of this year, is to be lighter than the man in this picture, with the spark back in my eye and pulling her along on some stupid adventure, with the mustaches,

Happy birthday my love.

Namaste

The One That Starts July (26 / 365)

#damnsonyouaintthicknecksierthanme

#damnsonyouaintthicknecksierthanme

Happy July 1st.  I bring this to you 2 hours (pacific) before the day becomes the 2nd, what can I say sometimes I am a procrastinator.  I had my wife help me with this picture, and wow, unflattering even from behind, but there is a message in my pic for today.

I am coming to the close of my first 30 pic-a-day sessions, that is nearly ten percent done and I kind of hoped I’d be closer to five percent on my way to my goals.  But I am not, and I am actually OK with that.  Over the last 26 days, I have learned a lot about my motivations to lose weight, what I want to do when I get there, my wife and children’s needs and roles on this path and the haters role; a hater hates through action and inaction, those that struggled with me on this road and those that do not will be remembered accordingly, ominous but true.  One of the first things we have to do to get and stay healthy is surround ourselves with those that are healthy.

This picture is me looking toward the horizon.  As you can see, even though the blur, there are a lot of things in my path to the horizon.  I believe a fence is in there, houses, all the miles and hell, even a port-a-potty.  It is not easy, it is not always fun, but it is something I am determined to do.  Thank you all for sticking with me, but especially my wife for putting up with the changes I am going through as I adjust back to trying to be a healthier and happier me.  I am going to post my goals for July in a moment, but it is  MOTIVATION MONDAY and I want to take a moment to speak about someone that has motivated me and it took me a bit to realize it.

I am blessed to have a wonderfully funny, charming and kind father-in-law in Mark G.  He married Amanda’s mom a little more than a year ago and has been a big part of our life.  Not only has he learned to love us, and that is tough to do, but he genuinely enjoys us and takes time with me, Amanda and the kids.  Along the way, Mark has lost a lot of weight, you can see it in his demeanor; he looks much healthier and happier than when I met him, while I unfortunately have been going the other way.  Every morning Mark has a post on Facebook either just before or just after I wake up (and I am an early riser) thanking God and offering blessings and lessons.  Theologically, Mark and I are on the opposite side of the compass, but he still takes time to pray for me and my family, share his faith and that my friends is the true inspiration.  Mark is teaching me how to be kind again and have faith in something outside of my control.  I do not think I will fallow the religion of Christianity again in my life, but the lessons he shares help me to live a life of gratitude, joy and love.  Mark, I really appreciate you.

Mark is very humble and would say it is God’s will he has lost weight and that is fine, and Mark even if you feel that Jesus is on the treadmill or walking with you, I am still proud of the work you have put in on yourself even if the reasons and means are very different.  Keep being you, you are a blessing and I am going to take you up on the guy’s day at the movies soon.

That my friend is the lesson for July for me.  Gratitude.  How can I share it better, live it more and love it longer?  My goals for this month will reflect that, and here they are:
1) Career – Yes, sometimes the day to day of my job sucks guano.  But I have a job that takes care of my family and I will work this month on responding with gratitude instead of negativity to the bad that comes.

2) Fitness – I will be grateful for any weight loss this month, but am shooting for 15 pounds

3) Family – One of the things I did not get a lot of when I grew up was family time.  I sometimes feel that I do not get a moment of silence between work and bed, but Amanda really does try to let me.  This month, I will be grateful for my kid’s special traits and ensure that we spend time as a family more than once a week doing something together.  This month my younger son, Adam, will be joining us from Utah so that makes it even more dope.

4) Cycling – I have been bored on the bike at the gym, I will learn to be grateful that I CAN cycle indoors and get in shape by riding 200 miles on the indoor trainer this month

5) Amanda – Amanda is my gift from the Goddess and sometimes I reward her for loving me by being a passive aggressive jerk, jealous and blue.  I will show her how grateful I am that she is in my life this July

I think those are pretty good goals.  Of course, my pic-a-day project “Weight loss 365” will continue daily and not so wordy, but this IS my first post of the month.

I am grateful that you take a few moments to stop by, it is an awesome feeling to know that even for a moment, someone else read my words and felt a reason to click “like” or “follow”.  This path of weight loss can be ugly, but it doesn’t have to be lonely.  Namaste.

The One Where I Feel Upside Down (19 / 365)

This angle really brings out the grey

This angle really brings out the grey

One of the first things I notice is that when I shoot with my wife’s more professional camera with her new 50mm fixed lens, she gets kind of antsy as if I am going to break it.  pshaw.  Second, I come in a lot more in focus.

A lot more in focus, great metaphor for today.  I am feeling very upside down like this picture implies and I am having a hard time communicating this to anyone, especially my wife, I am coming off like a whiny li’l bitch.  I am not a great orator anyway, and when I am trying to talk about the lack of clarity or issues circling my brain, I stammer, I go emotions and I do not get it out.

Basically though, what I think I am trying to tell everyone is that right now I feel out of focus and I need to get the picture sharper.  Working out will definitely help, but I have some major blurred shots in my career and living.  I am going to need some time to focus through that and answer some very tough questions (Is C1B as dedicated to me as I to it, and if not, what do I do?  Do I want to stay in Las Vegas and is my wife committed or is it lip service?)

So please, if you read this and know me in my day-to-day, I am just seeking clarity, like everyone else and not trying to be a douche.

WHAT IN YOUR LIFE IS CAUSING ANXIETY, STRESS OR CONFUSION AND HOW DO YOU COPE?

Namaste